


The group chat au no one asked for (but I needed)

by Missheadintheclouds



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: AU, Bones is So Done, Confused Spock, Crack, F/M, Kirk is a child, M/M, Star Trek - Freeform, Star Trek TOS, bones/bourbon - Freeform, cute enterprise crew, groups chat au, idk what I’m doing but it’s fun, mostly with some borrowed for plot aos, of characters (cos I haven’t watched the movies but i know what’s goes down), ship on a ship, ships, spirk, spock doesn’t really do texting, texting au, the enterprise main group y’all, uhura is a mum
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-06-22 12:11:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15581715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missheadintheclouds/pseuds/Missheadintheclouds
Summary: Basically I was reading some fics like ya do, and I realised I haven’t seen a group text au for star trek and well... this is my midnight rambling group text au wrote on my phone ;)There’s spirk there’s Nyotty there’s sukov and then there’s bones ( I personally adore bones so FRICKING bad!!)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Star trek group text – done on their pads. Theres also the comunicators that are like phones but that’s all voice messegaes.
> 
>  
> 
> Kirk = capsexyass  
> Spock = spork  
> Uhura = mum  
> Scotty = thescottman  
> Bones = bones  
> Pavel = Russiarules  
> Sulu = sulu / warpspeed

 

_scott created a group chat 3:48_

  
_scott added_ **kirk, spock, uhura, mcCoy, Chekov and sulu**. 3:48  
Scott set the group name as ‘ **ussenterpriseisbeauitful** ’ 4:02  
Scott changed his name to – **thescottman** 4:03  
__**Thescottman** changed **kirk** name to **capsexyass** 4:03  
**Thescottman** changed **spock** name to **spork** 4:04  
**Thescottman** changed **uhura** name to **mum** 4:07  
**Thescottman** changed **mcCoy** name to **bones** 4:07  
**Thescottman** changed **chevok** name to **russiarules** 4:08  
**Thescottman** changed **sulu** name to **sulu** 4:13

 **Thescottman** : icanne sleep 4:13  
**Thescottman** : anyone? 4:13  
**Thescottman** : allright den 4:23  
**Thescottman** : icanne sleeeeepppp!!! 4:24

  
**Mum** : monty 4:24  
**Mum** : shut up. 4:24

 

 **Capsexyass** : YES A CHAT! 7:20  
**Capsexyass** : also captain sexy ass? 7:20  
**Capsexyass** : I can not stop laughing! 7:22  
**Capsexyass** : uhura is mum 7:22  
**Capsexyass** : MUM 7:22  
**Capsexyass** : m u m 1!!! 7:23  
**Bones** : its too early for this…. 7:24  
**Capsexyass** : you start your shift in an hour stop complaining! 7:25  
**Bone** : still too early. 7:26  
**Sulu** : why is my name just my name? 7:48  
**Sulu** : do I not get a cool nickname? 7:48  
**Sulu** : I feel left out 7:49

  
**Russiarules** : RUSSIA RULES 8:03  
_**Russiarules** changed sulu name to **warpspeed** 8:04_

  
**Warpspeed** : thank you, you beautiful Russian child : ) 8:18  
**Russiarules** : *blushes* 8:19  
**Russiarules** : o mr sulu. 8:19  
**Bones** : don’t get hurt today, I can’t be bothered with any of your bullshit! 8:40  
**Capsexyass** : no promises ; ) 8:42  
**Bones** : you better fuckin do! 8:46  
**Mum** : language mcCoy! 8:57  
**Bones** : sorry MUM. 8:57  
**Russiarules** : u r good @ them. 9:07  
**Capsexyass** : what> 9:20  
**Capsexyass** : ?? 9:20  
**Mum** : I think he means I’m good at lanhueages 9:21  
**Russiarules** : shes good @ lanugaes. 9:21  
**Capsexyass** : oh! 9:22

  
**Capsexyass** : whos on this morning? 9:37  
**Mum** : me 9:39  
**Russiarules** : me!! 9:44  
**Warpspeed** : im on later sorry capsexyass 9:44  
**Russiarules** : oh no! vhat shall ve do!? 9:45  
**Mum** : pasha, play nice. 9:47  
**Capsexyass** : is that why her name is mum? 9:50

  
**Thescottman** : IM ALIVE!!! 10:30  
**Capsexyass** : did you sleep is the question? 10:31  
**Thescottman** : aye captain. 10:31

 **thescottman** : that was very considerate of ya 10:31 

  
**Capsexyass** : I will not answer to anything but captain sexy ass from now on scotty! 10:38

 **capsexyass** : Only trying o be a great captain ; ) 10:38   
**Russiarules** : I am not all dat confyable vith dat Kaptain… 10:50  
**Capsexyass** : okay Chekov you don’t need to kid. 10:52  
**Bone** : im never going to call you captain sexy ass! 11:00  
**Capsexyass** : but boNES!!!!! 11:01

 

 

 **Spork** : my name is spelt incorrectly. 12:19  
**Spork** : please would someone change my name, I do not know the function to do such. 12:19

 **Capsexyass** : don’t you dare! 12:40


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s another one!!   
> I wrote this instead of sleeping & I do have a plan/plot ish for this fic, I have at least one tos episode I wanna play with <3   
> I’m not sure when I’ll update this but since I start uni again soon I’ll be traveling more so I’ll probs write some stuff on the way there/back!   
> ALSO THANKYOU SOOOO MUCH EVERYONE WHO LIKE THIS FIC!!!   
> ~Liss

Reminder of names -

Kirk = capsexyass

Spock = spork

Uhura = mum

Scotty = thescottman

Bones = bones

Pavel = Russiarules

Sulu = sulu / warpspeed

ussenterpriseisbeauitful

* * *

 

 **Capsexyass** sent a photo to **Ussenteriseisbeautiful** _12:04_ (Spock at his station a small smile seems to be on his face as he looks at his padd)

 **Capsexyass** : does that look like a smile to you guys? _12:04_

 

 **Warpspeed** : A SMILE _12:05_

 **warpspeed** : I SEE A SMILE! _12:05_

 **Russiarules** : it is! _12:08_

 **Russiarules** : :,D _12:08_

 **Mom** : leave him alone. _12:12_

 **Mom** : but keep that photo as evidence for the future -_(•-•)_- _12:12_

 **Capsexyass** : yes! _12:40_

 **Capsexyass** : that’s not very mom of you mom. _12:40_

 **Mom** : I’m not an actual mother Kirk! _12:43_

 **Warpspeed** : oooooooooo _12:46_

 **Russiarules** : aaaaaaaaaa _12:46_

 **Warpspeed** : :ooooo _12:46_

 **Russiarules** : aaaAAAAAAA _12:46_

 **mom** : CHILDREN! _12:47_

 **Mom** : SHUT! _12:47_

 **mom** : UP! _12:47_

 **mom** : дерьмо  _12:50_

 **Russiarules** : AHHH THATS A BAD WORD! _12:51_

 **Warpspeed** : what did it say? _12:51_

 **Russiarules** : I can’t say that!! _12:53_

 **Mom** : I said ‘shit’ admittedly I shouldn’t have said it in Russian. Sorry pasha <3 _1:03_

 **Capsexyass** : mammas gone bad. _1:15_

 **Russiarules** : I feel influenced _1:17_

 **Warpspeed** : pasha no _1:20_

 **Russiarules** : дерьмо  _1:24_

 **russiarules** : дерьмо  _1:24_

 **russiarules** : дерьмо  _1:24_

 **mom** : YOUNG MAN! I will come other there! _1:30_

 **Russiarules** : please save me kaptin!? _1:30_

 

 **Capsexyass** : against the most formidable woman on the ship, and Spock is right beside her. _1:56_

 **Mom** : none of you would dare! _1:58_

 **Mom** : >: ) _1:58_

 

 **Spork** sent a photo to **ussenterpriseisbeautiful** _3:18_

( Picture of Kirk one leg over chair cup in one hand PADD in other massive grin blurred as he turns towards Spock)

 **Spork** : as you like to say captain ‘got you back’ _3:18_

 **Mom** : xD _3:40_

 **Warpspeed** : Aww _3:43_

 **Russiarules** : I’m ze cute 1 do not come for my brand kaptin! _3:59_

 **Spork** : the captain is exceptionally aesthetically pleasing at times. _4:26_

 **Warpspeed** : AWHHHHH!!! _4:26_

 **Mom** : agreed tbf _4:32_

 

 **Bones:** ain’t y’all supposed to be working up there? _4:55_

 **Capsexyass** : SPOCK! _5:09_

 **Russiarules** : ZE KAPTIME IS BRIGHT RED! _5:12_

 **Capsexyass** : shut is Russia! _5:13_

 **Capsexyass** : star mapping is #boring _5:28_

 **Bones** : then you could take a break and have a physical? _5:28_

 **Capsexyass** sends a photo to ussenterpriseisbeautiful _5:31_ ( the Apple he is going to eat

 **Capsexyass** : as they say bones _5:31_

 **Bones** : whatever jirk _5:35_

 **Spork** : that is not how to spell the captains name Doctor. _5:35_

 **Warpspeed** sent a photo to ussenterpriseisbeautiful _5:48_

(Kirk biting down on the Apple aggressively a little blurry)

 **Russiarules** : kaptin asked kaptingets (•.•)_- _5:57_

 **Bones** sent a photo to ussenterpriseisbeautiful _6:01_

(A blurry photo of bones coming through his office door)

 **Bones** : BRAT! _6:01_

 

 **Capsexyass** : think of your blood pressure! _6:04_

 **Capsexyass** : please done hurt me!! _6:04_

 

 **Thescottman** : I think I just saw the doc smash his Sen into a turbolift _6:07_

 **Thescottman** : wat ya don nah cap?! _6:07_

 **Thescottman** : he looks Bhat ready ta castrate _6:07_

 

 **Thescottman** : is e allowed ta do that? _6:49_

 

 

 **Capsexyass** : this os the end goodbye cruise world _7:36_

 

 **Russiarules** sent a photo to **ussenterpriseisbeautiful** _7:39_

(Kirk on the floor clutching his heart as Spock is holding bones upper arm talking seriously into his ear, as if to be working him)

 

 **Russiarules** : you have been brave kaptin! _7:41_

 **Thescottman** : I have whiskey? _7:41_

 **Bone** : you don’t anymore Scott _7:42_

 **Capsexyass** : calm people he would never actually kill me xD _7:45_

 **Mom** : bOYS! _7:50_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI told yall I was gonna do more chapters. this one took some time, since I took it directly from one of the tos episodes.  
> SO SPOILERS! AHEAD. ( some of the lines are directly from the episode ones that I thought were epic yanoe ) you can kindda follow the chapter and have not seen the episode tho I think.  
> the episode is : the squire of gothos.  
> also in that episode there is no Chekov so I just made him ill so he was bed ridden, and it wasn't really the best I could have done, I think its a little flat at times. butttttttt I worked in all the lines I wanted to so :)  
> hope you enjoy!
> 
> also again any spelljng mistakes are me 9 cos I'm dyslexic but also work with the fact rhat they are typing and somethimes that happens <\--

 

bones; im coming up to the bridge 11:20  
captainsexyass: I thought I was suppost to be the vain one bones? 11:20  
Captainsexyass: announcing your arival and all. 11:20  
Bones: jerk. 11:21  
Bones; make sure Ill have a cup of something warm when I get there! 11:21

russiarules: how are the bridge? 11:28  
russiarules: is 11:28  
russiarules: im so sorry ta 11:28  
russiarules; i kannot be there. 11:28  
russiarules: ims 11:28  
russiarules: SORRY 11:29

warpspeed: oh my god. 11:36  
warpspeed: pasha. 11:36  
mom: hunni take the flu medicine and go to sleep so you can be here tomorrow okay? 11:37  
warpspeed: the bridge is fine, we are all fine. 11:38  
warpspeed: just sleep it off darling. 11:38  
captainsexyass: get better soon little dude cos we all miss you up here. 11:39  
mom: yes hunni 11:39  
mom; we miss your cute little smile. 11:40  
russiarules: I 11:40  
mom: ill come and see you soon darling. 11:41

bones: ive already dropped off the medicine in his room, he will be fine by tommorrow im sure. 11:58  
captainsexyass: aww bones. 11:58  
warpspeed: i miss my russian. 11:59  
captainsexyass; i miss 'your' russian.... ;) 11:59  
warpspeed: oh god. 11:59  
warpspeed: ... 11:59  
warpspeed: ive asked the yoeman to bring some drinks btw. 11:59

 

mom sent a link to ussenterpriseisbeautiful ( a link to the song girls just wanna have fun )  12:22  
mom: wrong chat. 12:22  
captainsexyass: XD 12:22  
thescottman: da they ny? 12:24  
mom: yeS 12:24  
captainsexyass: XD OMG WHY IS THE SONG PLAYING? 12:40  
spork: i clicked the link, now the music is playing for the bridge. 12:40  
mom: JUST WANNA HAVE FUUUUNNNNN 12:41  
mom: <3 MUSIC 12:41  
mom: JAM! 12:41

  
warpspeed: ill be humming it all day now thank YOU 12:51  
warpspeed: S P O R K 12:51  
captainsexyass: at least we are all having funn XD 12:51  
captainsexyass: russia is missing out on this XD 12:53  
bones: i can hear it! 12:57  
bones: pleade turn that off before i gte to the bridge. 12:57  
bones: IM 3 SECONDS AWAY 12:57  
bones: STOP. 12:57  
captainsexyass: okay :( 12:59  
mom: len why? 1:01  
captainsexyass: cos hes a buzz kill 1:02  
captainsexyass: you should have been his roommate :L 1:02

  
thescottman: capins not replyin any idea up there? 3:20  
mom: the captin and sulu just dissapered. like that GONE. 3:20  
thescottman: waht? 3:20  
mom: we are working on it monty, but we got some strange communication after they just dissapered. 3:21  
thescottman: keep me in love? 3:21  
mom: of course monty dear. 3:21

  
russiarules: HIKARU IS GONE???? 4:03  
russiarules: WHAT?? 4:03  
russiarules: HOW??? 4:03  
russiarules: ill be there in a minute to help 4:03  
spork: we are doing everything that we can chekov, please stay were you are since your presence in your state will not help yet hinder our prosesss. 4:05  
mom: spock dear please calm down. 4:05  
spork: i am prefectly calm. 4:06  
spork: please refrane from looking at me in such a way nyota. 4:07  
mom: hes having a melt down if your all wondering.... 4:07  
spork: i am neither melting nor in a state of uncalm. 4:07  
mom: outwardlu. 4:08

  
bones: ive called up jaeger. 5:00  
bones: hopefully he will be able to see if we can beam down. 5:00  
bones: i hope either way. 5:00  
bones: anyone else goen? 5:00  
mom: no, just the captin and sulu. 5:03  
mom: hoes pasha? 5:03  
bones: sedated. 5:07

  
thescottman: shootin in ta dark mr spock? 6:12  
spork: or stand by and do nothing mr scott? 6:14

 

captainsexyass: well that was fun.... 9:05  
bones: you can say that again. 9:10  
captainsexyass: well that was fun 9:10  
bones: reallly? 9:10

mom: if he could have been any more primative, he would have been a caveman. 9:12  
mom: 'the melting eyes of the queen of sheba' 9:12  
thescottman: beautiful 9:12  
mom: thnx mont 9:13  
mom: he got yoeman ross in an olden day dress 9:13  
mom: had her dancing. 9:14  
thescottman: oh no. danicn 9:14  
mom: he FORCED me to play his piano thing. i had no idea how it worked till he swished his hand. 9:15  
captainsexyass: you did play quite beautifully my dear lady. 9:18  
mom: snort. 9:21

  
captainsexyass: trelane. 9:27  
captainsexyass: RETIRED. 9:27  
bones: dont 9:28  
warpspeed: retIED! 9:28  
mom: retiredddddd 9:28  
captainsexyass: RETIREDDD 9:29  
mom: rrreeeetireD 9:29  
bones: R E T I R E D 9:29  
warpspeed: retireeeed 9:29  
warpspeed: retired 9:29  
warpspeed: reTIRED. 9:29  
captainsexyass: TIRED. 9:30  
spork: retired? 9:30  
spork: who is retired? 9:30  
spork: or retiering? 9:31  
mom: trelane darling. 9:31  
captainsexyass: trelane RETIRED. 9:32  
bones: the kid. 9:34  
warpspeed: reTIRED. 9:34  
spork: trelane was retired from what posistion? 9:36  
captainsexyass: he seemed to be thinking that that was how you introduced yourself in the time he though we were from. 9:36  
captainsexyass: we were making a joke of it. 9:37  
warpspeed: since it was funny. 9:40  
bones: you know hobbgobling. fun. 9:40  
mom: mcCoy 9:41  
bones: fUN 9:41  
captainsexyass: says you... 9:42  
mom: GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUNNNN 9:45  
bones: alright alright. 9:45

  
captainsexyass: wonder if yoeman ross kept that dress? 9:51  
captainsexyass: it was quite a pretty dress 9:51  
spork: i find that, that would not be of any inmportance to you, jim. 9:55  
bones: carful spork. 10:00  
warpspeed: awwwh 10:00  
spork: i do not understand. 10:01  
captainsexyass: guys. 10:01  
warpspeed: j i m. 10:02  
spork: i was simply stating that it is in fact not something of import for the captin of a spaceship, with other more inportant matters at hand. 10:03  
warpspeed: awh 10:04  
captainsexyass: okay. 10;04  
mom: ohhhhh 10;10  
mom: thats cute ngl. 10:10  
captainsexyass: so trelane? 10:11  
warpspeed: he was something. 10:11  
mom: hip hip hoorah! 10:12  
bones: TALLYHO! 10:13  
mom: XD 10:13  
warpspeed: ?? 10:13  
mom: thats the message he sent to the bridge after you left. 10:14  
spork: appropriate for the time he seemed to be expressing. 10:14

bones: made my planet ya hobby huh?! 10:15  
bones: HOBBY 10;15  
captainsexyass: he was 900 years in the past. 10:15  
bones: that bourbon was like suckin on an old socks! 10:16  
captainsexyass: bones has a thing for good bourbon. 10:16

  
bones sends a picture to ussenterpriseisbeautiful ( bones sipping on a glass, oviously with bourbon in it ) 10:18

  
captainsexyass: should i be worried that your always drinking? 10:19  
bone: how else could i deal with being in a metal coffin in the sky? 10:19  
mom: really? 10:20  
mom: really??? 10:20

  
captainsexyass: WAIT DESALLE GAVE HIM A PHASER! 10:38  
bones: yes? 10:40  
captainsexyass: LITERALLY GAVE IT HIM... 10:41  
warpspeed: give a maniac a gun.. 10:41  
captainsexyass: which i did like 4 minutes later XD 10:42  
mom: stupid. 10:42  
mom: but clever. 10:42  
captainsexyass: thanx babe ;) 10:43  
mom: XD 10:43  
warpspeed: but when he ended up on the bridge and went for spock! 10:45  
mom: ohh yes 10:45

spork: i did not appreciate him. 10:50  
warpspeed: who is spock? 10:51  
warpspeed: i am spock 10:51  
warpspeed: NO I AM SPCOK 10:51  
mom: I AM SPOCK 10:53  
bones: im not spock. 10:54  
thescottman: I AM S P O C K 10:54  
captainsexyass: SPOOOOCK 10:55  
spork: i do not understand. 10:55  
captainsexyass: its a refrence from an old earth movie. 10:56  
captainsexyass: basically they are trying to protect thier friend and lie so that they cannot find the real person. 10:57  
spork: i would not have the crew lie for me. 10:57  
captainsexyass: awh babe. 10:58  
captainsexyass: spock* 10:58  
mom: AWH! 10:58  
warpspeed: CUTE! 10:58

spork: i am not an infent. 11:03  
captainsexyass: trelane was. 11:04  
warpspeed:but that line spock said to him. 11:05  
mom: which one? 11:05  
captainsexyass: there have been exceptions?! 11:06  
captainsexyass: oh yes. 11:06  
captainsexyass: oooooh 11:06  
captainsexyass: YES. 11;06  
mom: spock can be bad boys. 11:08  
warpspeed: ohhhh 11;08  
warpspeed: savage. 11:08

  
spork: i do not appriciate you calling me a savage. 11:13  
spork: tho vulcans were once a savage race before surak 11:13  
captainsexyass: he was no offending you hun. 11:14  
mom: its a saying. 11:16  
warpspeed: sorry mr spock. 11:16  
spork: i understand. 11:16  
spork: apologies are not needed. 11:16

  
bones: he was out of control. 11:20  
bones: trelane that is. 11:21  
spock: i will always object to power without constructive purpose. 11:21  
captainsexyass: he was literally a child. 11:21  
mom: how so? 11;23  
captainsexyass: after you all came back to the ship and I went back there he thretened to hang me 11;27  
spork: what? 11:28  
mom: oh god! 11:28  
captainsexyass: so i some how got him to get angry and fight me instead to draw it out. 11:30  
bones: james. 11:31  
captainsexyass: we ended up using swords. 11:31  
warpspeed: 'kiling me with a sword, that will be dull' 11:32  
warpspeed: fencing joke. 11:32  
warpspeed: sorry 11:32  
warpspeed: im going to pashas room now btw. 11:32

  
mom: XD 11:37  
mom: awh tell him we said hi. 11:37

  
thescottman: so how did you get away? 11:40  
captainsexyass: russia! 11:40  
captainesexyass: his parents, so kind of entities turned up and told him to 'come inside' and when he was taken back to wherever he came from they made is so i could come back safely. 11:43  
mom: awh. so he was really a child? 11:43  
captainsexyass: yeah, for his race 11:43  
bones: we were taken by a literal kid? 11:44  
bones: goddamn sPACE! 11:44  
mom: XD 11:45

  
russiarules: i always miss the good stuff. 12:00  
captainsexyass: you better russia? 12:02  
mom: PASHA! 12:03

warpspeed: hes asleep again. 12:08  
warpspeed: hes so cute asleep. 12:08  
warpspeed: and awake, 12:08  
waprspeed: hes just cute. 12:08  
mom: AWH! HIKARU! 12:12  
thescottman: ta wee lad gettin better? 12:13  
warpspeed: he should be fine by tomorrow. 12:13  
captainsexyass: today... 12:15

 

spork: how should we decribe trelane in the report captain?12:40  
captainsexyass: god of war? 12:45  
spork: i hardly find that fitting 12:45  
captainsexyass: then a small boy? 12:46  
captainsexyass: and a very naughty one at that.12:46  
spork: that will make a strange entry in the libary banks captin. 12:48  
captainsexyass: he was just pranking like you would when you were a small boy spock. 12:51  
spork: pranks captain? 12:52  
captainsexyass: like pullin girls hair and such. 12:53  
spork: i do not understand.12:59

russiarules: error 404 spork not found. 1:45  
mom: go to sleep pash. lol. 1:45

bones: ill hypo yall ass!!! 1:52  
bones: if all of yall dont sleep, ya on the bridge in the mornin! 1:52  
warpspeed: i was just giving him his medicine, hes asleep now. 1:52

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should I do more episode like chapters? and should I add some actual writing in the text chapters or add chapters that are all written? also thankyou fro all your comments! :)  
> ~liss


End file.
